I had a dream last night that I was preparing myself for a week-long camping trip with some group I was a part of. And I didn’t really want to go on this trip, but I was going anyways for some reason I never figured out. And the whole time I was preparing for it, my grandma wanted me to stay with her and I didn’t listen. And for some reason, I woke up this morning realizing that maybe I have been preparing myself to chase the wrong dreams that were never really mine. Maybe the dream I have been wanting most of my life is the one thing I stopped chasing. I feel like I’ve been making myself believe that I want to do all these different things: modeling, fashion, writing, etc… when really all I want to do is be in a recording studio with my cello. I want that. I have wanted that since I was 12 years old. I have wanted that since I played on stage at Carnegie Hall. I have wanted that every day of my life but I have suppressed it. Why? Because of 1 year. Because of a stupid injury that lead to a stupid lifelong “disease,” or whatever the doctors want to call it. I want it. I don’t care anymore about what steps in my way or what is currently holding me back. I’m on that “bitch, don’t kill my vibe” train from here on out.
I have so much potential and such great talent. I’m not saying I’m something special, a rare gem fallen from the sky, because we’re all something special, right? Isn’t that why collaboration is so important? Because we all have something to give, to put into this world. We all have at least one thing that each other needs. And if we don’t take part in collaboration, in relationships, then what is the point of living? Sure, I love my alone time. I would choose to be alone if I could. But, that is not what God put us here for. We were meant for relationships. We were meant to have, first, a relationship with God. And then with people. With others. To LOVE. “We were made to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves.” A line written by the great Jon Foreman in Switchfoot’s song “Meant to Live.” Was I really meant to live to give my body to multiple men? Or was he really meant to live to drown himself in drugs? No. We were meant for more. More than a mere human life. And if we don’t chase that purpose, chase God everyday of our lives, we might miss it and one day realize that we never lived to our full potential. Because even though others may not see our potential, may not encourage us, or may not even care about us…God believes in it. He has a purpose for all of us and knows each one of our potentials. He knows what we are all capable of all He wants is for us to follow Him and He will show us how to get there. And maybe what I’m saying has no meaning or substance, but I believe it. And I think right now, if I believe in it and in myself, that’s all that matters.
I want it all.
I want to live.
I want to free fall
into something that